A Shoulder to Cry on (eww!)

2022 is ending soon and I'm gonna overthink about my nowhere-to-be-seen other half.

I have come to a realization that I never give an effort of looking for 'him'. I simply don't have the reason to do so because I don't need a 'him' yet.. I think. Let's say there's someone I fond of, it's not like I'm gonna be flirty toward him or ask him out directly. If he doesn't give positive signal, then I don't mind and I'm gonna be appreciating every little interaction with him. That's it. Hahaha, jinjja.. zero effort.

I and my capabilities to do everything I need to do is enough. There's my family and friends I could ask for help too. Then for what reason I must look for 'him'? I have already imagined the tiring efforts I need to make and the possibility of getting the worst end. No one wants to be heartbroken. Then, for what? When I say I 'overthink', I really can't help to not prepare myself for the disappointment. Am I taking it too far? 

Well, my zero dating experience says it all actually. Many of my friends wonder how come I have dated no one before. I've always thought that the problem is me. I was (or am) just not attractive enough. Geez, me and my low self-esteem. But then in one rainy night I realized that maybe the past of my oldies somehow had an effect on me. Do you know Paramore - The Only Exception? My story could relate to its first verse. Ugh, feeling discomfort all of sudden. A couple fights and in the same time hurts other people too. Unconsciously.. yeah I know, and I don't want that. (Then a voice whispers to my ears, "you're being too naïve again, B........")

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If..

If I could ask for how my other-half is, then I must say I probably need someone to be a good figure for me, to lead me to be a better person. I'm gonna be grateful if he comes soon and if not, then I know I'm okay with myself.